The Lie of Perfection: Reaching Maternal Wisdom
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Episode Notes
Motherhood is often painted as pure joy and unconditional love, but what about the moments of doubt, frustration, or even resentment that many parents quietly experience?
In this episode, Dr. Margo Lowy, psychoanalytic psychotherapist, researcher, and author of The Maternal Experience: Encounters with Ambivalence and Love, joins Becky to unpack the full spectrum of maternal emotions. Drawing from decades of clinical practice and her newest book, Maternal Ambivalence: The Loving Moments & Bitter Truths of Motherhood, Dr. Lowy explores how the coexistence of love and conflict—maternal ambivalence—is a normal, even essential, part of the mothering experience.
Together, Becky and Dr. Lowy explore what happens when mothers are given space to be emotionally honest. They discuss the intergenerational threads of motherhood, the influence of culture and social media, and how slowing down, responding thoughtfully, and practicing self-compassion can reshape the way we parent—and the way we see ourselves.
This conversation is both validating and liberating for anyone who has ever struggled to hold love and frustration in the same breath.
Topics Discussed
Introduction and Background
Dr. Lowy shares her background as a mother of three and her journey into psychotherapy.
Becky highlights the importance of seeing mothers not only as caregivers but as full human beings in clinical spaces.
The Inspiration Behind Maternal Ambivalence
How Dr. Lowy’s early research on infertility led her to explore the emotional “empty chair” many women carry into motherhood.
Her discovery of the work of Rozsika Parker on maternal ambivalence and how it reshaped her understanding of love, hate, and everything in between.
Exploring Maternal Ambivalence and Emotional Honesty
The necessity of engaging with all feelings—both loving and bitter moments.
Why “hate” in the maternal context is often taboo, yet acknowledging it is crucial for emotional integrity.
Becky reflects on how clinicians can create space for this kind of emotional truth in their work with mothers.
The Role of Emotional Honesty in Mothering
Dr. Lowy’s distinction between responding versus reacting in parenting.
How slowing down, observing, and taking time to respond leads to more intentional parenting.
A discussion on how our fast-paced culture makes this kind of mindful mothering difficult—but not impossible.
The Impact of Generational Mothering
Revisiting the “empty chair” as a metaphor for the ways our own mothers live on in our parenting.
How unresolved experiences from our upbringing shape how we mother—and how awareness can interrupt painful cycles.
Mantras for Mothering
Dr. Lowy’s grounding mantra: “Mothering is messy, interrupted, and loving.”
The reminder to be forgiving—with ourselves, our children, and our own mothers.
Why lowering expectations and embracing imperfection can be the most healing act of all.
Navigating Social and Emotional Challenges
Surrounding yourself with people who lift you up, and stepping back from those who drain your energy.
The importance of community, discernment, and honest friendships in motherhood.
Discerning and Managing Social Media Influence
How social media can distort perceptions of “good motherhood.”
Dr. Lowy’s advice: be selective about the voices you follow and trust your body’s cues when something doesn’t feel right.
The Importance of Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
Self-compassion as a daily practice—not a luxury.
Learning to forgive yourself for moments of overwhelm, impatience, or regret.
Why self-forgiveness is essential for emotional resilience and genuine connection with your child.
Conclusion and Final Reflections
Dr. Lowy reminds listeners that being honest about the loving and bitter moments is part of being human.
A call for mothers to stay discerning, practice self-compassion, and find meaning in both the joy and the struggle of mothering.
“When I became a mom, I would’ve liked a book that said to me, ‘mothering is messy and interrupted and loving. Moms do the best they can, and we muddle through and it’s difficult.”
Guest information
Dr. Margo Lowy is a psychotherapist and researcher specializing in motherhood and women’s reproductive health. She holds a PhD and Research Masters from the University of New South Wales, Sydney, with a focus on maternal ambivalence and infertility. Her newest book, Maternal Ambivalence: The Loving Moments & Bitter Truths of Motherhood (Post Hill Press, 2025), examines the complex emotions that accompany motherhood. She is also the author of The Maternal Experience: Encounters with Ambivalence and Love (Routledge, 2020), which grew out of her doctoral research, and a contributor to Psychology Today. Through her writing and clinical work, she aims to disrupt the silence surrounding the unspoken realities of motherhood.
Resources
Maternal Ambivalence: The Loving Moments & Bitter Truths of Motherhood (Post Hill Press, 2025)
The Maternal Experience: Encounters with Ambivalence and Love (Routledge, 2020)
Psychology Today – Dr. Margo Lowy’s Articles